Strange

I've been doing really well. Staying busy.

But this Spring I made the mistake of going to a concert with the ex N's little sister.

Right after he started driving by the house when I was working in the yard, when I was running etc.

Not long after I got an e-mail saying I looked good, he hoped I was doing well, etc.

I was mean and told him to leave me alone and we fought.

Being angry is the only way I can keep myself safe from him.

He finally got a job 2 hours away and moved at the beginning of July. I owed him money so I gave him $300 of it to help him move. I left it in the mailbox on the porch. As little communication as possible about it.

After he settled in he called to thank me. I was lonely and talked and cried for awhile. He said all these nice things. He said he still loved me and thought about me. It made me feel crazy but also released me in a way.

One of my biggest fears was that I meant nothing to him at all. That I had just been discarded.

He called again the next month. We basically had the same conversation. Except it wasn't really a conversation. It was him talking. It has always been him talking.

I felt so good with him out of town. I felt so good not being angry. I felt like I could finally, completely move on.

And out of the blue this weekend he shows up on Facebook. I guess he just got Internet in his new home.

And he sends me a friend request. And he e-mails me a photo of us kissing and says he misses me.

I cried and cried. He said he wanted to see me this weekend and would be in town. He said he regretted losing me and just wanted to touch me again.

I told him I couldn't see him.

Monday I woke up to a poem I had written him when we were first dating. I replied and asked what he was doing. He said it was coming from a good place. That he still loved me.

I told him I needed him to let me stay no contact. That I wished him the best.

He replied that he wouldn't contact me again and had thought "we" were worth one last effort.

That made me angry. Some effort! Some effort ONE YEAR after we broke up!

But the damage is done. I feel like I'm grieving the relationship all over again. Reading obsessively about N's. Googling his name. Looking at our old pictures. Doubting myself. Wondering if anyone could be as completely without empathy and care for anyone but himself as he seems to be.

I have deleted my Facebook. I still work with one of his sisters but I can do my best to avoid everyone and everything else.

It just makes me crazy to think he'd use me and hurt me all over again with no remorse. I know he can't help it, though. I keep trying to think of it that way. He is lost in fantasy.

But that makes me cry even harder because I really have been alone even when we were together. I never had any love even when I thought I did.

I wanted to come home from work and cry on the couch today but I forced myself to run instead. I'm so much stronger than him. I'm so much better than him.

But my pity for him and grief for us is so vast and it consumes me.