Strange

I've been doing really well. Staying busy.

But this Spring I made the mistake of going to a concert with the ex N's little sister.

Right after he started driving by the house when I was working in the yard, when I was running etc.

Not long after I got an e-mail saying I looked good, he hoped I was doing well, etc.

I was mean and told him to leave me alone and we fought.

Being angry is the only way I can keep myself safe from him.

He finally got a job 2 hours away and moved at the beginning of July. I owed him money so I gave him $300 of it to help him move. I left it in the mailbox on the porch. As little communication as possible about it.

After he settled in he called to thank me. I was lonely and talked and cried for awhile. He said all these nice things. He said he still loved me and thought about me. It made me feel crazy but also released me in a way.

One of my biggest fears was that I meant nothing to him at all. That I had just been discarded.

He called again the next month. We basically had the same conversation. Except it wasn't really a conversation. It was him talking. It has always been him talking.

I felt so good with him out of town. I felt so good not being angry. I felt like I could finally, completely move on.

And out of the blue this weekend he shows up on Facebook. I guess he just got Internet in his new home.

And he sends me a friend request. And he e-mails me a photo of us kissing and says he misses me.

I cried and cried. He said he wanted to see me this weekend and would be in town. He said he regretted losing me and just wanted to touch me again.

I told him I couldn't see him.

Monday I woke up to a poem I had written him when we were first dating. I replied and asked what he was doing. He said it was coming from a good place. That he still loved me.

I told him I needed him to let me stay no contact. That I wished him the best.

He replied that he wouldn't contact me again and had thought "we" were worth one last effort.

That made me angry. Some effort! Some effort ONE YEAR after we broke up!

But the damage is done. I feel like I'm grieving the relationship all over again. Reading obsessively about N's. Googling his name. Looking at our old pictures. Doubting myself. Wondering if anyone could be as completely without empathy and care for anyone but himself as he seems to be.

I have deleted my Facebook. I still work with one of his sisters but I can do my best to avoid everyone and everything else.

It just makes me crazy to think he'd use me and hurt me all over again with no remorse. I know he can't help it, though. I keep trying to think of it that way. He is lost in fantasy.

But that makes me cry even harder because I really have been alone even when we were together. I never had any love even when I thought I did.

I wanted to come home from work and cry on the couch today but I forced myself to run instead. I'm so much stronger than him. I'm so much better than him.

But my pity for him and grief for us is so vast and it consumes me.

More memories

In kindergarten I had a boyfriend named Barry.

We had our names written on round, bologna looking pieces of rubber strung around our necks with yarn.

He would look around the room and close his eyes and then open them when he got to me.  He would do this over and over.

At recess we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

We would kiss behind the cafeteria.

He was out sick for a few weeks and his mother brought him back.  She was overweight, with bleached hair and tons of makeup and she was kissing all over him.  I was disgusted that he was a "momma's boy."

Some boys made fun of me on the monkey bars that day and he didn't defend me.

That was it--I dumped him.

I didn't have another boyfriend until my first "real" boyfriend when I was 15.

I also remember wanting to be tough when I was a kid.  My Uncle was a year older than me and I would trail around after him asking him to mentor me and train me to be strong and tough like him.

I also remember when I was 5 but had not started kindergarten, a boy named Andy lived across the street from my grandmother.  He was very cocky and I liked him but I could tell he wasn't that smart.

We invited him over for lunch and he ate chicken and sold me his drawings for some pocket change.  I knew my drawings were better but I wanted to buy them anyway.

Childhood

I have been able to trace an alignment with narcissists or controlling people since my childhood.

But tonight I had a memory of being 4 years old.  I had neighbors that were brothers--Joe and Kevin.

Joe was outgoing and eager.  He was my friend but I had no respect for him.

Kevin was quiet and dark.  I remember watching him walk down the road with his head down, kicking things.

I felt irresistibly drawn to him.

Four years old?!  How is it possible to feel that?

But I have another memory of 1st grade.  A boy named Daniel (who later dated my friend Zach after High School) moved to our school.  I saw him and thought, "This boy is a sissy and he's going to be in love with me."

And Daniel immediately attached himself to me and I was exasperated with him.

So, my intolerance of other people's vulnerability or sensitivity and my attraction to people who are withdrawn and troubled goes back that far.

How is that possible?

Grief

Yesterday I stopped by the store to pick up some chocolate, toilet paper and a comb.

I was feeling lonely and sorry for myself and I saw a co-worker in the store.

Her husband died this past year.

Both of us heading home to an empty house.

I can't even imagine the grief and loneliness she has experienced.

I can't help what I feel but everywhere I go people are carrying around so much pain that I wish I could put mine into perspective better.

I feel pain over my parents yet I have friends who have parents that physically abused them, parents that committed suicide, situations so much worse than mine.

I wish I could snap out of my brain space and just live my life.

Every morning I wake up and immediately think of my ex. He is the first thing in my head. I don't want him or anyone to know.

It's a way of not thinking of ME. I don't know what else to focus on. He'll probably be there until I find someone else to focus on.

But I don't want to. I want to learn to be ME and to focus on ME. I may need to make that counseling appointment after all...

More sad

Today I saw the ex. It was like being stabbed. I can't believe how much electricity goes through me at the sight of him. I half smiled and waved. As long as I don't let him know I feel anything I'm okay.

His little sister came by my office today and hugged me, updated me on her life.

I've got to get out of this town. It's full of his family, our mutual friends, every place I go reminds me of him, we work on same campus.

A man much, much younger than me stopped and flirted with for awhile. He was also much shorter than me. But, again, I was proud that I could connect and be nice but set boundaries.

I am seized with longing lately, though.

Longing for a partner.

Here I am with my whole life given back to me and I want someone to share food with, I want someone to know if I don't come home, I want someone to work on projects with and someone to go places with me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I miss sharing. I miss the good parts.

Sad

Now that my anger, and the confusion and the hurt have melted down I have felt a sadness lately.

I think this may be a sign of my feelings returning. But it's terrifying. As soon as I feel something I want to find a way to numb it.

I am scared of the sadness that may be lurking inside me but I know it's the price I have to pay if I want to feel happiness or love again.

I cried for a while last night and today over the goldfish. It seems so stupid but I loved those fish.

I got rid of them the week my ex moved out. I wanted to get rid of everything.

I felt nothing then but now I grieve for the fish. Or maybe it's what the fish represent.

It's making me cry now just to type about it. When I think of the things I still can't cry about it makes no sense.

Thoughts

When I first broke up with the most recent ex I felt amazing. I felt happy, I felt in touch with emotions I hadn't felt for years, I felt incredible energy.

But, of course, I ruined all that by contact with him which caused confusion and anxiety and more repression.

But since then I've noticed I've been consumed with thoughts. Sometimes I am late to work from just lying in bed and thinking.

At first I was still trying top puzzle it all out. He was still firmly entrenched in my brain and I was still trying to work out what happened, who he was, etc.

It's better now but this morning I realized part of this "paralysis by thinking" is because I wasn't allowed to be very introspective in our relationship.

I wasn't allowed alone time. I wasn't allowed to be quiet around him. I wasn't allowed to be depressed. I wasn't allowed to just lie in bed.

He was constantly assessing me but it wasn't to meet my needs. It was to see how I was reacting to him and whether or not I was offending him by my reactions.

If I felt depressed I had to feign physical illness. He would respond to physical illness and care for me or ignore me.

So I think I'm overcompensating by thinking too much now.

I think I have finally given up trying to figure him out. I keep reminding myself that I'm free from that now. I no longer have to try to make sense of his chaos. Some other poor woman can try to do that.

I need to focus on ME. And I need to force myself to become more active and less caught up in my thoughts.