Narcissistic Supply

There are times when, despite the fact that I was the one that ended the relationship with my most recent ex, I feel like a failure.

I feel like he chose his ex-wife over me because he could not stop his relationship with her.  The toxic cycle they have been in for about 12 years was more important to him than me.

But then I read something like the quote below and I know it isn't about love or sex or anything other than his ego.

'Narcissists are addicted to a drug known as 'Narcissistic Supply.'  Attention (good OR bad), adultation, applause, fame, celebrity, notoriety--are all narcissistic supply.  The people who supply these consistently, reliably and predictably are called, 'Narcissistic Supply Sources.'

Why should the narcissist look for another source of supply if the current source of supply is available and always accepts him back?

Cultivating a source of secondary narcissistic supply is a VERY time consuming and energy depleting affair.  The narcissist always prefers the path of least resistance (reverting to old sources).

The old source has the advantage of having witnessed and 'recorded' the narcissist's past grandeur.  Her very repeated 'surrender' and 'yielding to his charm' IS the narcissistic supply he seeks.

More generally, the narcissist sort of pushes the envelope, trying to ascertain and map the outer limits of his potency as an irresistible male and desirable mate.  The more tortured the relationship--the sweeter the recurrent 'victory' (reconciliation)."

http://samvak.tripod.com/3.html

What I want to do is send this to my ex and his ex-wife.  But I know it wouldn't do any good.  It's just me still focusing on something that isn't ME.  And they want to stay in the cycle they are in.  I can only save myself and I need to focus on that.

No Contact

It was difficult to go "no contact" with my most recent ex.  But I realized each interaction was a manipulation on both sides.  I had every other person who knows the story of our relationship on my side, validating my reality.  But I wanted HIM to tell me I wasn't who he said I was.  I wanted HIM to tell me I was RIGHT.

And when I realized I had fallen into this power struggle I knew I had to step out.  He and his ex wife have been in a 12 year toxic cycle of breaking up and getting back together and never breaking contact.

I don't want that.

And I also wanted love.  I was lonely and still wanted some sign he loved me or missed me.

Three years of no love in our relationship should have been a big clue for me.

Since I have gone "no contact" I am feeling better every day.  While I was still talking to him I felt conflicted and bad about myself.  He made me feel guilty--he can turn any situation into MY fault--he took away my personal power.  And there was constant danger of "abandonment."  If he had cut me off at any point it would have thrown me into a panic.

I feel a lot of anger at him now.  I think this is healthier than compassion because for a person like him compassion is just an opening for manipulation.

I can't help but realize my own responsibility in the situation, though.  I allowed him to treat me without respect.  I allowed him not to commit fully to me.  I allowed him to lie to me.  I allowed him to abuse me.

But I still feel a bitterness about his warping of my reality.  When I KNOW something, when I need validation, and you tell me what I see or what I feel isn't true then I doubt myself.  And all along he knew it was true.  All along he knew he wasn't trying to communicate with me--he was just trying to WIN in every situation.

But I remind myself that I can grow and heal.  He chooses to stay in his sickness and repeat the cycles that bring him misery.  I could never hurt him as badly as he chooses to hurt himself and those closest to him.

He has e-mailed me since I announced "no contact" and I have ignored it.  I do not drive by his house.  I do not check to see if he's online.  I am not asking others about him.

And I feel stronger everyday.   

Compassion

I have always had a tendency to blame myself for the things that happen in relationships.  I do have problems with anxiety and depression.  I do have problems with control and being obsessive.

So it's easy to look at myself many times and believe that I have caused the problems in my relationships.  To believe the distorted reality that is being fed to me and to think I deserve what is happening.

I make myself remember a friend who has recently divorced her husband.  My friend is controlling, has problems with depression and is very insecure.  But my friend's problems did not cause her husband to be an alcoholic, a drug addict, to look at gay porn, to not be able to keep a job and help her with their children, etc.

Her problems may be the reason she is in the relationship, but they did not create the excessive problems her spouse had.

So, I have to realize, while I may have problems, I did not make my ex-husband immoral and selfish.  I did not make him spend all our money, use people, and hurt his family.  I did not make him lie and cheat.  I did not make my ex-boyfriend have anger problems.  I did not make him verbally abuse me or emotionally abuse me.  I did not make him lie and cheat.

I think this quote from "The Gaslight Effect" by Robin Stern is an important one:

"I would say that if you consistently feel your interactions with a particular person discount you and what's important to you, go with that feeling and get out of the relationship.  Even if you are just "being nuerotic" as so many people worry they are--even if the relationship is theoretically fine and the problem is that you're too anxious, critical, or demanding--your best bet may still be to leave the relationship that is making you feel so crazy and then address whatever was preventing you from enjoying it.  Manipulating your own sense of reality--telling yourself that you should be feeling something you aren't--is never a good idea.  Even if the problem is with you, you'll be better off solving the problem than trying to talk yourself out of how you feel."

First Post

At the beginning of November I ended a 3 year relationship with a person that I believe had Narcissistic Personality Disorder or at the very least narcissistic and abusive traits.

The long term relationship I had before that was an 11 year relationship with a man who had bi-polar disorder.

I have created this blog to explore what brought me into the relationships I have had, what my family relationships have been like and what I can do to become a stronger and more whole person so that I do not end up in another dysfunctional relationship that is harmful to me.