So it's easy to look at myself many times and believe that I have caused the problems in my relationships. To believe the distorted reality that is being fed to me and to think I deserve what is happening.
I make myself remember a friend who has recently divorced her husband. My friend is controlling, has problems with depression and is very insecure. But my friend's problems did not cause her husband to be an alcoholic, a drug addict, to look at gay porn, to not be able to keep a job and help her with their children, etc.
Her problems may be the reason she is in the relationship, but they did not create the excessive problems her spouse had.
So, I have to realize, while I may have problems, I did not make my ex-husband immoral and selfish. I did not make him spend all our money, use people, and hurt his family. I did not make him lie and cheat. I did not make my ex-boyfriend have anger problems. I did not make him verbally abuse me or emotionally abuse me. I did not make him lie and cheat.
I think this quote from "The Gaslight Effect" by Robin Stern is an important one:
"I would say that if you consistently feel your interactions with a particular person discount you and what's important to you, go with that feeling and get out of the relationship. Even if you are just "being nuerotic" as so many people worry they are--even if the relationship is theoretically fine and the problem is that you're too anxious, critical, or demanding--your best bet may still be to leave the relationship that is making you feel so crazy and then address whatever was preventing you from enjoying it. Manipulating your own sense of reality--telling yourself that you should be feeling something you aren't--is never a good idea. Even if the problem is with you, you'll be better off solving the problem than trying to talk yourself out of how you feel."
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