No Contact

It was difficult to go "no contact" with my most recent ex.  But I realized each interaction was a manipulation on both sides.  I had every other person who knows the story of our relationship on my side, validating my reality.  But I wanted HIM to tell me I wasn't who he said I was.  I wanted HIM to tell me I was RIGHT.

And when I realized I had fallen into this power struggle I knew I had to step out.  He and his ex wife have been in a 12 year toxic cycle of breaking up and getting back together and never breaking contact.

I don't want that.

And I also wanted love.  I was lonely and still wanted some sign he loved me or missed me.

Three years of no love in our relationship should have been a big clue for me.

Since I have gone "no contact" I am feeling better every day.  While I was still talking to him I felt conflicted and bad about myself.  He made me feel guilty--he can turn any situation into MY fault--he took away my personal power.  And there was constant danger of "abandonment."  If he had cut me off at any point it would have thrown me into a panic.

I feel a lot of anger at him now.  I think this is healthier than compassion because for a person like him compassion is just an opening for manipulation.

I can't help but realize my own responsibility in the situation, though.  I allowed him to treat me without respect.  I allowed him not to commit fully to me.  I allowed him to lie to me.  I allowed him to abuse me.

But I still feel a bitterness about his warping of my reality.  When I KNOW something, when I need validation, and you tell me what I see or what I feel isn't true then I doubt myself.  And all along he knew it was true.  All along he knew he wasn't trying to communicate with me--he was just trying to WIN in every situation.

But I remind myself that I can grow and heal.  He chooses to stay in his sickness and repeat the cycles that bring him misery.  I could never hurt him as badly as he chooses to hurt himself and those closest to him.

He has e-mailed me since I announced "no contact" and I have ignored it.  I do not drive by his house.  I do not check to see if he's online.  I am not asking others about him.

And I feel stronger everyday.