Divorce

My ex husband is getting divorced.

This does not surprise me.

He said he has no money, no car, yet he was e-mailing me from his iPhone.

This also does not surprise me.

He asked me to take the dog.  At first I wanted to.  I pictured having my baby dog back that loved me so much.

Then I realized the burden not to mention the added connection to my ex.  When I let him take the dog three years ago I said goodbye to the dog.  I don't need the added pressure and stress in my life of taking care of an elderly animal right now.

Maybe that's selfish but really I suspect the ex is just sucking me into his drama as usual.  I spent 11 years taking care of him.  I don't need to do anything for him now.

I am almost positive that my most recent ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I don't believe my ex-husband does,  yet he has many of the same qualities.

He has bi-polar disorder.  He was manic when I met him and pursued me and swept me off my feet with gifts and overwhelming emotion.  I felt drunk when I was around him.

He is incredibly selfish.  But it almost just seems like a case where his needs and wants are so overwhelming that he cannot put anyone else first.

He is not totally without empathy, though.  He is very emotional and I have seen him do kind things.  But he often uses people due to his selfishness.

He is desperate to be the center of attention.

He has false pride.  When he's manic he has delusions of grandeur.  And he always has fantasies of greatness.

He is extremely dependent but does not resent the person he's dependent on.  He was always very effusively grateful and constantly telling me how much he loved me.

He wanted to get his way and was manipulative but not abusive and never intentionally hurtful to me.  

So, I'm not a trained professional, obviously.  But somehow I just know he wasn't NPD and I strongly feel my most recent ex was.

Relief

This morning I was arranging all my body wash bottles so that the labels faced me in the shower and it suddenly hit me that many of the behaviors I was afraid indicated my own narcissism were OCD.

The photographs to create an artificial, controllable reality,  negative obsession about my physical appearance, my fear of other people's emotions.

It's about control.

The need to know what is going on with the most recent ex, despite how it will upset me, is also about control.

I think the longer I am no contact the more this will fade.

Once this fades I hope I can get back to a place of peace, insight and healing and out of this place of anger and bitterness and pain. 

Anger

I am infected with anger.  The bitterness comes out in all my interactions.  I want to be free of it.

I am angry at myself, angry at my exes, angry at my family, angry at co-workers and my employer.

I am working on a list of New Year's resolutions.

I am going to lose 50 pounds.

I am going to stop coddling myself and start taking responsibility for my life and my actions and all my decisions.

I will not be acted upon anymore.

I will act, not just react.

He's Back

So, what has it been, 3 days? He's back on Facebook.

And he's already e-mailed me.  

He was whining that I deleted all his pictures from Flickr.

This makes me laugh and laugh.

He is pathetic.  I am done with him.

There is no possible benefit to my even being friendly with him.

I don't know why I was even a little afraid of him.  He's a coward.

He always has been.

Hmmm

The most recent ex has deleted Facebook and Myspace.

He must have found out I e-mailed the neighbor's wife about him.

But to delete the profiles...he must be assuming I'm telling others about him.

I just hope I'm not in any danger.

I'm hoping he's angry and done with me and won't try to get revenge or silence me somehow.

Denial

So, the longer I go without contact the better I am feeling again.

It's been a rough week, though.

But I have been shopping with friends and threw a Christmas party last night.

I was afraid no one would have fun at the party without my recent ex.  He liked to put on a show and be the center of attention.

But it was fun and I could relax and not constantly be on edge because of him or worry about him and watching him.

And at the end of the night he wasn't there to throw up or pee all over my floor or pass out drunk.

I realize now how much in denial I was.

I have looked at old chats and e-mails and the situation was sick.

On both our parts.  I basically sold myself to him as someone who would put aside all her own needs to meet his.

But no one can do that.  And it was a manipulation to try to find love.

I was in a low place after my divorce.  

I still feel angry and sick when I look back at all times he was obviously lying to me and cheating on me.  

When I think about the things he said to me that I just put up with.

And how he expects me to put aside my needs again and just be "a good friend" now.  

But reading these self help books has made me realize I am wired to be a victim.

And I am.  I am just waiting for the next bus to hit me.  I am the perfect candidate for a cult.

I have been in dangerous situations many times because of my inability to be assertive and my poor boundaries.

My defense mechanism is like the opossum.  I just roll over and play dead and hope the other person will take care of me.

Even when I was in Elementary School I had one girl I would call "master" and I would ride her on my shoulders all around the playground and do whatever she told me.

I also had a male friend I was close to growing up and we would play this game where I would call him, "Pop" and he would call me "Junior" and I basically followed him around and he acted as an advisor, a supervisor and a wise older person even though we were the same age.

But this is the first time in my life that I feel an absence of strength.  This last relationship really tore me down in multiple ways.

And I miss having someone to care for.  And it would be nice to have some love.  I certainly didn't have it through this whole relationship.  I crave tenderness and kindness.

After my divorce I didn't want to take care of someone again.  I thought I wanted someone manly and strong who would take care of me.

I thought I found that in my last relationship.  But it was a false image.  He was a dependent and a manipulator and an abuser.

Now I'm scared I'll just plug into another needy person that will use me.

Real people terrify me.  I feel I have nothing to offer them.  I feel they can never overlook my faults.

I am going to try to find a therapist in January.

Depressed

He tried to tell me her car was there because he was going to borrow it to drive himself to the airport.

His sister said his mother has planned to take him to the airport all along.

Even if she hadn't told me this I knew it was a lie.

And it depresses me because he has outright lied to me so many times now that I can't believe anything about our relationship was true.

I was being played the entire time when I submitted and trusted him to have my best interest in mind.

He only had his own interest in mind.

He e-mailed me before he went out of town and said his former best friend's wife confessed to romantically loving him last night.

I e-mailed her.  I know I should have stayed out of it but he's been setting her up for a long time and I hate to see her throw away her marriage for nothing.

Because he would let her.  He will milk that sweet ego supply until the person is used up and then throw them away without ever giving them anything for their efforts.

He called me when he got to his destination today.  I was shocked.  Our contact hasn't included phone contact.  He had also called me yesterday and left a voice mail on my work phone.

Amazing how the efforts are stepped up when he's been caught lying again.

I am depressed.  It is mostly PMS but it's also the drama he has brought back into my life.

What do I want from him?  There's nothing he can give me or do for me expect bring me unhappiness.