Denial

So, the longer I go without contact the better I am feeling again.

It's been a rough week, though.

But I have been shopping with friends and threw a Christmas party last night.

I was afraid no one would have fun at the party without my recent ex.  He liked to put on a show and be the center of attention.

But it was fun and I could relax and not constantly be on edge because of him or worry about him and watching him.

And at the end of the night he wasn't there to throw up or pee all over my floor or pass out drunk.

I realize now how much in denial I was.

I have looked at old chats and e-mails and the situation was sick.

On both our parts.  I basically sold myself to him as someone who would put aside all her own needs to meet his.

But no one can do that.  And it was a manipulation to try to find love.

I was in a low place after my divorce.  

I still feel angry and sick when I look back at all times he was obviously lying to me and cheating on me.  

When I think about the things he said to me that I just put up with.

And how he expects me to put aside my needs again and just be "a good friend" now.  

But reading these self help books has made me realize I am wired to be a victim.

And I am.  I am just waiting for the next bus to hit me.  I am the perfect candidate for a cult.

I have been in dangerous situations many times because of my inability to be assertive and my poor boundaries.

My defense mechanism is like the opossum.  I just roll over and play dead and hope the other person will take care of me.

Even when I was in Elementary School I had one girl I would call "master" and I would ride her on my shoulders all around the playground and do whatever she told me.

I also had a male friend I was close to growing up and we would play this game where I would call him, "Pop" and he would call me "Junior" and I basically followed him around and he acted as an advisor, a supervisor and a wise older person even though we were the same age.

But this is the first time in my life that I feel an absence of strength.  This last relationship really tore me down in multiple ways.

And I miss having someone to care for.  And it would be nice to have some love.  I certainly didn't have it through this whole relationship.  I crave tenderness and kindness.

After my divorce I didn't want to take care of someone again.  I thought I wanted someone manly and strong who would take care of me.

I thought I found that in my last relationship.  But it was a false image.  He was a dependent and a manipulator and an abuser.

Now I'm scared I'll just plug into another needy person that will use me.

Real people terrify me.  I feel I have nothing to offer them.  I feel they can never overlook my faults.

I am going to try to find a therapist in January.