More memories

In kindergarten I had a boyfriend named Barry.

We had our names written on round, bologna looking pieces of rubber strung around our necks with yarn.

He would look around the room and close his eyes and then open them when he got to me.  He would do this over and over.

At recess we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

We would kiss behind the cafeteria.

He was out sick for a few weeks and his mother brought him back.  She was overweight, with bleached hair and tons of makeup and she was kissing all over him.  I was disgusted that he was a "momma's boy."

Some boys made fun of me on the monkey bars that day and he didn't defend me.

That was it--I dumped him.

I didn't have another boyfriend until my first "real" boyfriend when I was 15.

I also remember wanting to be tough when I was a kid.  My Uncle was a year older than me and I would trail around after him asking him to mentor me and train me to be strong and tough like him.

I also remember when I was 5 but had not started kindergarten, a boy named Andy lived across the street from my grandmother.  He was very cocky and I liked him but I could tell he wasn't that smart.

We invited him over for lunch and he ate chicken and sold me his drawings for some pocket change.  I knew my drawings were better but I wanted to buy them anyway.

Childhood

I have been able to trace an alignment with narcissists or controlling people since my childhood.

But tonight I had a memory of being 4 years old.  I had neighbors that were brothers--Joe and Kevin.

Joe was outgoing and eager.  He was my friend but I had no respect for him.

Kevin was quiet and dark.  I remember watching him walk down the road with his head down, kicking things.

I felt irresistibly drawn to him.

Four years old?!  How is it possible to feel that?

But I have another memory of 1st grade.  A boy named Daniel (who later dated my friend Zach after High School) moved to our school.  I saw him and thought, "This boy is a sissy and he's going to be in love with me."

And Daniel immediately attached himself to me and I was exasperated with him.

So, my intolerance of other people's vulnerability or sensitivity and my attraction to people who are withdrawn and troubled goes back that far.

How is that possible?

Grief

Yesterday I stopped by the store to pick up some chocolate, toilet paper and a comb.

I was feeling lonely and sorry for myself and I saw a co-worker in the store.

Her husband died this past year.

Both of us heading home to an empty house.

I can't even imagine the grief and loneliness she has experienced.

I can't help what I feel but everywhere I go people are carrying around so much pain that I wish I could put mine into perspective better.

I feel pain over my parents yet I have friends who have parents that physically abused them, parents that committed suicide, situations so much worse than mine.

I wish I could snap out of my brain space and just live my life.

Every morning I wake up and immediately think of my ex. He is the first thing in my head. I don't want him or anyone to know.

It's a way of not thinking of ME. I don't know what else to focus on. He'll probably be there until I find someone else to focus on.

But I don't want to. I want to learn to be ME and to focus on ME. I may need to make that counseling appointment after all...

More sad

Today I saw the ex. It was like being stabbed. I can't believe how much electricity goes through me at the sight of him. I half smiled and waved. As long as I don't let him know I feel anything I'm okay.

His little sister came by my office today and hugged me, updated me on her life.

I've got to get out of this town. It's full of his family, our mutual friends, every place I go reminds me of him, we work on same campus.

A man much, much younger than me stopped and flirted with for awhile. He was also much shorter than me. But, again, I was proud that I could connect and be nice but set boundaries.

I am seized with longing lately, though.

Longing for a partner.

Here I am with my whole life given back to me and I want someone to share food with, I want someone to know if I don't come home, I want someone to work on projects with and someone to go places with me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I miss sharing. I miss the good parts.

Sad

Now that my anger, and the confusion and the hurt have melted down I have felt a sadness lately.

I think this may be a sign of my feelings returning. But it's terrifying. As soon as I feel something I want to find a way to numb it.

I am scared of the sadness that may be lurking inside me but I know it's the price I have to pay if I want to feel happiness or love again.

I cried for a while last night and today over the goldfish. It seems so stupid but I loved those fish.

I got rid of them the week my ex moved out. I wanted to get rid of everything.

I felt nothing then but now I grieve for the fish. Or maybe it's what the fish represent.

It's making me cry now just to type about it. When I think of the things I still can't cry about it makes no sense.

Thoughts

When I first broke up with the most recent ex I felt amazing. I felt happy, I felt in touch with emotions I hadn't felt for years, I felt incredible energy.

But, of course, I ruined all that by contact with him which caused confusion and anxiety and more repression.

But since then I've noticed I've been consumed with thoughts. Sometimes I am late to work from just lying in bed and thinking.

At first I was still trying top puzzle it all out. He was still firmly entrenched in my brain and I was still trying to work out what happened, who he was, etc.

It's better now but this morning I realized part of this "paralysis by thinking" is because I wasn't allowed to be very introspective in our relationship.

I wasn't allowed alone time. I wasn't allowed to be quiet around him. I wasn't allowed to be depressed. I wasn't allowed to just lie in bed.

He was constantly assessing me but it wasn't to meet my needs. It was to see how I was reacting to him and whether or not I was offending him by my reactions.

If I felt depressed I had to feign physical illness. He would respond to physical illness and care for me or ignore me.

So I think I'm overcompensating by thinking too much now.

I think I have finally given up trying to figure him out. I keep reminding myself that I'm free from that now. I no longer have to try to make sense of his chaos. Some other poor woman can try to do that.

I need to focus on ME. And I need to force myself to become more active and less caught up in my thoughts.

Setting Boundaries

I've been really proud of myself for setting boundaries recently.

Today a woman e-mailed me and wanted to know why I have taken her off my social networking sites.

I took her off when I broke up with my most recent ex.  This woman (supposedly a friend, someone I had done nice things for and offered emotional support to during her divorce) knew about our relationship problems, yet really disrespected me by flirting and being all over my ex one night when we were at her apartment.  And when we broke up she left flirty messages on his Facebook wall.

The co-dependent part of me would have added this woman back, repressed my hurt and negative feelings toward her and pretended to be friendly.

Instead, I sent a polite but assertive message telling her that she had hurt my feelings, I felt that she had disrespected me.  I explained why.  I told her that it may not be logical, she may not feel that it is rational or "right" but that after having my reality warped for the last 3 years I was going to trust my feelings and only have people around me that care about me and respect me.

She wrote back and apologized.

I feel great!  I want to practice being emotionally honest as much as possible.

My family will be my last great hurdle with this.  And a friend I've had since I was 12.

With my family I am so used to hiding who I am that I am really scared of being honest with them.

With my friend, she is very controlling and bossy and will not respect any boundaries I put up, I'm sure.  I have always ended up being very passive aggressive with her because of this.

But still, if I can work on all the other areas of my life then it will be much easier to face those final obstacles.

Dating

I went to a New Year's Eve party and two men asked me out.

I was proud of myself for going to the party.

I set boundaries before hand and felt like that really helped me to not be anxious.

My most recent ex always kept the upper hand kept me powerless.

So it felt really different and nice to be wanted and to have the power in an interpersonal interaction.

But I don't want a relationship so should I really go out on dates?

Both men were nice but gave me all the red flags I need in our conversations that night.

Looking back both my exes gave me those red flags as well and I chose to ignore them.

So I feel I should not complicate my life by letting these people into it.

But it was a nice experiment and helped boost my self confidence some.