Thoughts

When I first broke up with the most recent ex I felt amazing. I felt happy, I felt in touch with emotions I hadn't felt for years, I felt incredible energy.

But, of course, I ruined all that by contact with him which caused confusion and anxiety and more repression.

But since then I've noticed I've been consumed with thoughts. Sometimes I am late to work from just lying in bed and thinking.

At first I was still trying top puzzle it all out. He was still firmly entrenched in my brain and I was still trying to work out what happened, who he was, etc.

It's better now but this morning I realized part of this "paralysis by thinking" is because I wasn't allowed to be very introspective in our relationship.

I wasn't allowed alone time. I wasn't allowed to be quiet around him. I wasn't allowed to be depressed. I wasn't allowed to just lie in bed.

He was constantly assessing me but it wasn't to meet my needs. It was to see how I was reacting to him and whether or not I was offending him by my reactions.

If I felt depressed I had to feign physical illness. He would respond to physical illness and care for me or ignore me.

So I think I'm overcompensating by thinking too much now.

I think I have finally given up trying to figure him out. I keep reminding myself that I'm free from that now. I no longer have to try to make sense of his chaos. Some other poor woman can try to do that.

I need to focus on ME. And I need to force myself to become more active and less caught up in my thoughts.