Approval

Approval

I used to have a lot of religious flip-flopping as a kid. I would become very religious and then backslide. I think this was for approval. I would feel good when I became religious because I felt like I was doing the right thing and everyone in society and my parents and God approved of me.

I find it hard to take criticism.

When I create something or do something I usually want immediate positive feedback. I put in little effort and want a lot of results.

I want people to like me and often will repress my own opinions and desires. I have a lot of trouble being assertive because I’m afraid it will be taken negatively.

Often I am motivated by approval or praise. I can feel “recharged” and feel new energy to complete work projects etc.

When we were first dating my most recent ex would often be encouraging in a "leader" type way when we were running or working on something and he would tell me I was doing a good job and it meant a huge amount to me.

Anger

Anger

As a child and teenager I had a bad temper. As an adult I learned that we feel angry when we feel victimized. I am usually able to keep my anger under control now by assessing whether or not I am truly a victim in a situation and if not, how to change my viewpoint.

I feel guilty for being angry. Even though I could be legitimately angry at my most recent ex I find ways to believe that I am responsible for situations and therefore it is not really his fault. He also encouraged this by always twisting things to be my fault. I did not feel that I had a right to ask for him to meet my needs.

I am terrified of people being angry at me. I will go to great lengths to avoid this. Both my parents had bad tempers. I learned to do whatever I could to avoid my mother’s temper. I stopped asking for money for field trips. Often I would anticipate and dread dealing with her about something and she would be completely calm. I never knew what would set her off.

She was either too controlling or completely numb and disengaged. There was no middle ground. She would fight with me and engage me on a childlike level instead of being the adult in the situation.

My most recent ex's anger terrified me. I felt like (and still feel like) his anger erases all love. That he could not possibly love me and be angry at me. And my anxiety made him angry, things I said without thinking made him angry, often I could not predict what he would be angry about. He walked away from me once for something I didn’t know would make him angry and there were times I anticipated his anger and he wasn’t angry at all.

Guilt

Guilt

Parents

Guilty for being angry at them as a child and teenager

Guilty because I could see they were like lost children and I could see their brokenness. I was angry but I felt like my anger exposed who they really were and that made me feel guilty.

My father has a lot of guilt and that makes me feel guilty.

When I was a kid and would become religious they would tell me how proud they were but then I would feel guilty because I was leaving them behind. I felt like they were going to Hell and I wasn’t. So I would purposefully try to stop being so “good” so that I didn’t have to feel guilty.

My Husband

I felt guilty for divorcing him. He was so dependent on me I felt like I had abandoned a child. At first the guilt was more than I could bear and almost destroyed me. Only after finding out he cheated on me twice (I found this out 3 years after our divorce) could I completely let go of my guilt.

Most Recent Ex

Very similar to my parents. I felt guilty that I may not be in love with him. I felt guilty for recognizing his brokenness. It made me feel sorry for him and I tried to protect him from seeing who he really was. I felt guilty for breaking up with him even though he had physically and emotionally abandoned me.

I feel guilty for moving on because I feel that if I find someone who meets my needs it will be a validation of how broken he was.

Others

I felt and feel guilty for avoiding my grandmother as a teen and adult and for not emotionally engaging with her. She often tried to manipulate me with guilt.

I have felt guilty for avoiding friends and co-workers and students when they needed my emotional engagement

I have guilt for not keeping in touch with my former step son and for divorcing his father

I often feel guilt at work for not being productive enough

Appearances

I have been wrestling with loneliness. Wrestling with the fact that I would probably go back with my ex in a second if he showed up and acted like he would change and we could somehow make it all better.

Who am I? What is that emptiness in me?

When my anger is gone I feel like I failed him. I wasn't good enough for him. That he had already abandoned me before I ever broke up with him.

I can't change myself just by thinking about it. What can I do?

I had another horrifying realization today.

I loved photos of me and the ex. I created entire happy, alternate realities with those photos.

I did the same thing with my stepson in my marriage. Photos of unhappy or boring events take on a life of their own and memory is reinvented.

Then I realized--I also do this with my vita. I LOVE how good I look on paper. It's like a game to publish and present and bulk it up.

I love my monthly work reports.

But I feel like I'm tricking people. This isn't really me.

I loved the camera. It is so much easier to take photos of people than to actually engage socially with them and usually you are praised later for the great photos.

What does this mean?! Am I a narcissist?

I have no emotions. I cannot engage with reality and others in a meaningful way. I "get by" and do the least amount of work for the most recognition.

I love inventing myself on blogs or online forums. When people meet me they often say, "You're nothing like you are online."

I just assume they haven't gotten to know me yet.

Now I'm not so sure.

This is really, really frightening.

Backsliding

Well, I had too much wine with a friend last night.

I want to practice socializing again.  I think it's good for me.  But I need to be careful with the drinking.

I don't want to compromise my health or boundaries.

After my divorce I drank very, very heavily.  I never want to fall into that pattern again.

Two unfortunate things resulted:

1.)  I ordered pizza

2.)  I e-mailed my most recent ex

BUT

I can take the left over pizza to work so that I don't eat any more of it and so what if I e-mailed the ex?  It will give him an ego boost.  It doesn't mean I have to communicate with him again.  It was a slip up.  That's all.

I had more sexual feelings this morning.  I'm wondering if everything will start to "thaw" and return to me?

I'm hoping my emotions will return the same way.

I realized--often I have felt like I need my mother.  But I know my real mother can provide no relief.  She cannot give me the emotional balm that I need.  She is not capable.

This is how my ex is.  I may feel the need but he cannot provide.  He never could.  Yet I return like a thirsty child to a dry well.

I LOVE this book "The Betrayal Bond."  It is amazing.  People KNOW why we are in relationships like this.  They KNOW why I feel this way.  The knowledge is there, people just don't have access to it.  They are caught in their cycles and believe that this is love or necessary and never look past it.

There is a really interesting passage I read this morning on the difference between emotional intensity and intimacy.  People who came from families that did not express emotions in a healthy way (like mine) may confuse the presence of feelings with the presence of intimacy.

And intensity is highly addictive.

I am working on getting the drama out of my life.  I stop myself when I find myself exaggerating something.  I am trying to be careful, take responsibility, keep control.

I don't want to go overboard, create boundaries that are too high and be OCD to the point that I can never live with another person.

But I want to be careful.  I want to shore up all my leaks and get my little ship sailing and on course before I even think about letting another person join my journey.

Wanted

A man spent the entire time I was chatting with him staring at my breasts today.

A wink from another man at the gas station sent a rush through me.

I have forgotten what that feels like.

I am afraid but also curious. What would it feel like to be wanted again?

I asked myself today how I ended up with the most recent ex for almost 3 years.

When we met we were both going through divorces so the first year was taken up with the novelty of the new relationship and our divorces.

The second year we lived together and then we searched for a home to buy.

The third year was settling into our new home.

And during all of this there was drama with his ex, drama with his drinking, drama with his school and work, etc.

So drama makes time fly.

I guess.

No Contact Part II

An e-mail from both exes today.

I am still no contact with my most recent ex.

I feel guilty but it suddenly hit me today--he gave up the privilege of being close to me and talking to me.

He gave up a relationship with me.

He has had his proverbial cake and eaten it too during our relationship because of his relationship with his ex-wife.  I'm not going to give him that.  

Let him see what it's like to really not have me.

My ex-husband sent a long list of everything that's wrong in his life.  He also told me his son tried to commit suicide.

This is a child I helped raise from the age of 2 to 14 years old.  But I feel nothing.

What does that mean?  I feel guilt and I feel anxiety about my exes but I feel numb.

I feel numb even toward my own family.

I'm hoping as I heal I can start feeling things again.  It's like a bright light burnt out during my divorce that I haven't been able to recover.  How can I feel nothing for a child I helped raise? It scares me.