Appearances

I have been wrestling with loneliness. Wrestling with the fact that I would probably go back with my ex in a second if he showed up and acted like he would change and we could somehow make it all better.

Who am I? What is that emptiness in me?

When my anger is gone I feel like I failed him. I wasn't good enough for him. That he had already abandoned me before I ever broke up with him.

I can't change myself just by thinking about it. What can I do?

I had another horrifying realization today.

I loved photos of me and the ex. I created entire happy, alternate realities with those photos.

I did the same thing with my stepson in my marriage. Photos of unhappy or boring events take on a life of their own and memory is reinvented.

Then I realized--I also do this with my vita. I LOVE how good I look on paper. It's like a game to publish and present and bulk it up.

I love my monthly work reports.

But I feel like I'm tricking people. This isn't really me.

I loved the camera. It is so much easier to take photos of people than to actually engage socially with them and usually you are praised later for the great photos.

What does this mean?! Am I a narcissist?

I have no emotions. I cannot engage with reality and others in a meaningful way. I "get by" and do the least amount of work for the most recognition.

I love inventing myself on blogs or online forums. When people meet me they often say, "You're nothing like you are online."

I just assume they haven't gotten to know me yet.

Now I'm not so sure.

This is really, really frightening.