Backsliding

Well, I had too much wine with a friend last night.

I want to practice socializing again.  I think it's good for me.  But I need to be careful with the drinking.

I don't want to compromise my health or boundaries.

After my divorce I drank very, very heavily.  I never want to fall into that pattern again.

Two unfortunate things resulted:

1.)  I ordered pizza

2.)  I e-mailed my most recent ex

BUT

I can take the left over pizza to work so that I don't eat any more of it and so what if I e-mailed the ex?  It will give him an ego boost.  It doesn't mean I have to communicate with him again.  It was a slip up.  That's all.

I had more sexual feelings this morning.  I'm wondering if everything will start to "thaw" and return to me?

I'm hoping my emotions will return the same way.

I realized--often I have felt like I need my mother.  But I know my real mother can provide no relief.  She cannot give me the emotional balm that I need.  She is not capable.

This is how my ex is.  I may feel the need but he cannot provide.  He never could.  Yet I return like a thirsty child to a dry well.

I LOVE this book "The Betrayal Bond."  It is amazing.  People KNOW why we are in relationships like this.  They KNOW why I feel this way.  The knowledge is there, people just don't have access to it.  They are caught in their cycles and believe that this is love or necessary and never look past it.

There is a really interesting passage I read this morning on the difference between emotional intensity and intimacy.  People who came from families that did not express emotions in a healthy way (like mine) may confuse the presence of feelings with the presence of intimacy.

And intensity is highly addictive.

I am working on getting the drama out of my life.  I stop myself when I find myself exaggerating something.  I am trying to be careful, take responsibility, keep control.

I don't want to go overboard, create boundaries that are too high and be OCD to the point that I can never live with another person.

But I want to be careful.  I want to shore up all my leaks and get my little ship sailing and on course before I even think about letting another person join my journey.