Strange

I've been doing really well. Staying busy.

But this Spring I made the mistake of going to a concert with the ex N's little sister.

Right after he started driving by the house when I was working in the yard, when I was running etc.

Not long after I got an e-mail saying I looked good, he hoped I was doing well, etc.

I was mean and told him to leave me alone and we fought.

Being angry is the only way I can keep myself safe from him.

He finally got a job 2 hours away and moved at the beginning of July. I owed him money so I gave him $300 of it to help him move. I left it in the mailbox on the porch. As little communication as possible about it.

After he settled in he called to thank me. I was lonely and talked and cried for awhile. He said all these nice things. He said he still loved me and thought about me. It made me feel crazy but also released me in a way.

One of my biggest fears was that I meant nothing to him at all. That I had just been discarded.

He called again the next month. We basically had the same conversation. Except it wasn't really a conversation. It was him talking. It has always been him talking.

I felt so good with him out of town. I felt so good not being angry. I felt like I could finally, completely move on.

And out of the blue this weekend he shows up on Facebook. I guess he just got Internet in his new home.

And he sends me a friend request. And he e-mails me a photo of us kissing and says he misses me.

I cried and cried. He said he wanted to see me this weekend and would be in town. He said he regretted losing me and just wanted to touch me again.

I told him I couldn't see him.

Monday I woke up to a poem I had written him when we were first dating. I replied and asked what he was doing. He said it was coming from a good place. That he still loved me.

I told him I needed him to let me stay no contact. That I wished him the best.

He replied that he wouldn't contact me again and had thought "we" were worth one last effort.

That made me angry. Some effort! Some effort ONE YEAR after we broke up!

But the damage is done. I feel like I'm grieving the relationship all over again. Reading obsessively about N's. Googling his name. Looking at our old pictures. Doubting myself. Wondering if anyone could be as completely without empathy and care for anyone but himself as he seems to be.

I have deleted my Facebook. I still work with one of his sisters but I can do my best to avoid everyone and everything else.

It just makes me crazy to think he'd use me and hurt me all over again with no remorse. I know he can't help it, though. I keep trying to think of it that way. He is lost in fantasy.

But that makes me cry even harder because I really have been alone even when we were together. I never had any love even when I thought I did.

I wanted to come home from work and cry on the couch today but I forced myself to run instead. I'm so much stronger than him. I'm so much better than him.

But my pity for him and grief for us is so vast and it consumes me.

More memories

In kindergarten I had a boyfriend named Barry.

We had our names written on round, bologna looking pieces of rubber strung around our necks with yarn.

He would look around the room and close his eyes and then open them when he got to me.  He would do this over and over.

At recess we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

We would kiss behind the cafeteria.

He was out sick for a few weeks and his mother brought him back.  She was overweight, with bleached hair and tons of makeup and she was kissing all over him.  I was disgusted that he was a "momma's boy."

Some boys made fun of me on the monkey bars that day and he didn't defend me.

That was it--I dumped him.

I didn't have another boyfriend until my first "real" boyfriend when I was 15.

I also remember wanting to be tough when I was a kid.  My Uncle was a year older than me and I would trail around after him asking him to mentor me and train me to be strong and tough like him.

I also remember when I was 5 but had not started kindergarten, a boy named Andy lived across the street from my grandmother.  He was very cocky and I liked him but I could tell he wasn't that smart.

We invited him over for lunch and he ate chicken and sold me his drawings for some pocket change.  I knew my drawings were better but I wanted to buy them anyway.

Childhood

I have been able to trace an alignment with narcissists or controlling people since my childhood.

But tonight I had a memory of being 4 years old.  I had neighbors that were brothers--Joe and Kevin.

Joe was outgoing and eager.  He was my friend but I had no respect for him.

Kevin was quiet and dark.  I remember watching him walk down the road with his head down, kicking things.

I felt irresistibly drawn to him.

Four years old?!  How is it possible to feel that?

But I have another memory of 1st grade.  A boy named Daniel (who later dated my friend Zach after High School) moved to our school.  I saw him and thought, "This boy is a sissy and he's going to be in love with me."

And Daniel immediately attached himself to me and I was exasperated with him.

So, my intolerance of other people's vulnerability or sensitivity and my attraction to people who are withdrawn and troubled goes back that far.

How is that possible?

Grief

Yesterday I stopped by the store to pick up some chocolate, toilet paper and a comb.

I was feeling lonely and sorry for myself and I saw a co-worker in the store.

Her husband died this past year.

Both of us heading home to an empty house.

I can't even imagine the grief and loneliness she has experienced.

I can't help what I feel but everywhere I go people are carrying around so much pain that I wish I could put mine into perspective better.

I feel pain over my parents yet I have friends who have parents that physically abused them, parents that committed suicide, situations so much worse than mine.

I wish I could snap out of my brain space and just live my life.

Every morning I wake up and immediately think of my ex. He is the first thing in my head. I don't want him or anyone to know.

It's a way of not thinking of ME. I don't know what else to focus on. He'll probably be there until I find someone else to focus on.

But I don't want to. I want to learn to be ME and to focus on ME. I may need to make that counseling appointment after all...

More sad

Today I saw the ex. It was like being stabbed. I can't believe how much electricity goes through me at the sight of him. I half smiled and waved. As long as I don't let him know I feel anything I'm okay.

His little sister came by my office today and hugged me, updated me on her life.

I've got to get out of this town. It's full of his family, our mutual friends, every place I go reminds me of him, we work on same campus.

A man much, much younger than me stopped and flirted with for awhile. He was also much shorter than me. But, again, I was proud that I could connect and be nice but set boundaries.

I am seized with longing lately, though.

Longing for a partner.

Here I am with my whole life given back to me and I want someone to share food with, I want someone to know if I don't come home, I want someone to work on projects with and someone to go places with me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I miss sharing. I miss the good parts.

Sad

Now that my anger, and the confusion and the hurt have melted down I have felt a sadness lately.

I think this may be a sign of my feelings returning. But it's terrifying. As soon as I feel something I want to find a way to numb it.

I am scared of the sadness that may be lurking inside me but I know it's the price I have to pay if I want to feel happiness or love again.

I cried for a while last night and today over the goldfish. It seems so stupid but I loved those fish.

I got rid of them the week my ex moved out. I wanted to get rid of everything.

I felt nothing then but now I grieve for the fish. Or maybe it's what the fish represent.

It's making me cry now just to type about it. When I think of the things I still can't cry about it makes no sense.

Thoughts

When I first broke up with the most recent ex I felt amazing. I felt happy, I felt in touch with emotions I hadn't felt for years, I felt incredible energy.

But, of course, I ruined all that by contact with him which caused confusion and anxiety and more repression.

But since then I've noticed I've been consumed with thoughts. Sometimes I am late to work from just lying in bed and thinking.

At first I was still trying top puzzle it all out. He was still firmly entrenched in my brain and I was still trying to work out what happened, who he was, etc.

It's better now but this morning I realized part of this "paralysis by thinking" is because I wasn't allowed to be very introspective in our relationship.

I wasn't allowed alone time. I wasn't allowed to be quiet around him. I wasn't allowed to be depressed. I wasn't allowed to just lie in bed.

He was constantly assessing me but it wasn't to meet my needs. It was to see how I was reacting to him and whether or not I was offending him by my reactions.

If I felt depressed I had to feign physical illness. He would respond to physical illness and care for me or ignore me.

So I think I'm overcompensating by thinking too much now.

I think I have finally given up trying to figure him out. I keep reminding myself that I'm free from that now. I no longer have to try to make sense of his chaos. Some other poor woman can try to do that.

I need to focus on ME. And I need to force myself to become more active and less caught up in my thoughts.

Setting Boundaries

I've been really proud of myself for setting boundaries recently.

Today a woman e-mailed me and wanted to know why I have taken her off my social networking sites.

I took her off when I broke up with my most recent ex.  This woman (supposedly a friend, someone I had done nice things for and offered emotional support to during her divorce) knew about our relationship problems, yet really disrespected me by flirting and being all over my ex one night when we were at her apartment.  And when we broke up she left flirty messages on his Facebook wall.

The co-dependent part of me would have added this woman back, repressed my hurt and negative feelings toward her and pretended to be friendly.

Instead, I sent a polite but assertive message telling her that she had hurt my feelings, I felt that she had disrespected me.  I explained why.  I told her that it may not be logical, she may not feel that it is rational or "right" but that after having my reality warped for the last 3 years I was going to trust my feelings and only have people around me that care about me and respect me.

She wrote back and apologized.

I feel great!  I want to practice being emotionally honest as much as possible.

My family will be my last great hurdle with this.  And a friend I've had since I was 12.

With my family I am so used to hiding who I am that I am really scared of being honest with them.

With my friend, she is very controlling and bossy and will not respect any boundaries I put up, I'm sure.  I have always ended up being very passive aggressive with her because of this.

But still, if I can work on all the other areas of my life then it will be much easier to face those final obstacles.

Dating

I went to a New Year's Eve party and two men asked me out.

I was proud of myself for going to the party.

I set boundaries before hand and felt like that really helped me to not be anxious.

My most recent ex always kept the upper hand kept me powerless.

So it felt really different and nice to be wanted and to have the power in an interpersonal interaction.

But I don't want a relationship so should I really go out on dates?

Both men were nice but gave me all the red flags I need in our conversations that night.

Looking back both my exes gave me those red flags as well and I chose to ignore them.

So I feel I should not complicate my life by letting these people into it.

But it was a nice experiment and helped boost my self confidence some.

Divorce

My ex husband is getting divorced.

This does not surprise me.

He said he has no money, no car, yet he was e-mailing me from his iPhone.

This also does not surprise me.

He asked me to take the dog.  At first I wanted to.  I pictured having my baby dog back that loved me so much.

Then I realized the burden not to mention the added connection to my ex.  When I let him take the dog three years ago I said goodbye to the dog.  I don't need the added pressure and stress in my life of taking care of an elderly animal right now.

Maybe that's selfish but really I suspect the ex is just sucking me into his drama as usual.  I spent 11 years taking care of him.  I don't need to do anything for him now.

I am almost positive that my most recent ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I don't believe my ex-husband does,  yet he has many of the same qualities.

He has bi-polar disorder.  He was manic when I met him and pursued me and swept me off my feet with gifts and overwhelming emotion.  I felt drunk when I was around him.

He is incredibly selfish.  But it almost just seems like a case where his needs and wants are so overwhelming that he cannot put anyone else first.

He is not totally without empathy, though.  He is very emotional and I have seen him do kind things.  But he often uses people due to his selfishness.

He is desperate to be the center of attention.

He has false pride.  When he's manic he has delusions of grandeur.  And he always has fantasies of greatness.

He is extremely dependent but does not resent the person he's dependent on.  He was always very effusively grateful and constantly telling me how much he loved me.

He wanted to get his way and was manipulative but not abusive and never intentionally hurtful to me.  

So, I'm not a trained professional, obviously.  But somehow I just know he wasn't NPD and I strongly feel my most recent ex was.

Relief

This morning I was arranging all my body wash bottles so that the labels faced me in the shower and it suddenly hit me that many of the behaviors I was afraid indicated my own narcissism were OCD.

The photographs to create an artificial, controllable reality,  negative obsession about my physical appearance, my fear of other people's emotions.

It's about control.

The need to know what is going on with the most recent ex, despite how it will upset me, is also about control.

I think the longer I am no contact the more this will fade.

Once this fades I hope I can get back to a place of peace, insight and healing and out of this place of anger and bitterness and pain. 

Anger

I am infected with anger.  The bitterness comes out in all my interactions.  I want to be free of it.

I am angry at myself, angry at my exes, angry at my family, angry at co-workers and my employer.

I am working on a list of New Year's resolutions.

I am going to lose 50 pounds.

I am going to stop coddling myself and start taking responsibility for my life and my actions and all my decisions.

I will not be acted upon anymore.

I will act, not just react.

He's Back

So, what has it been, 3 days? He's back on Facebook.

And he's already e-mailed me.  

He was whining that I deleted all his pictures from Flickr.

This makes me laugh and laugh.

He is pathetic.  I am done with him.

There is no possible benefit to my even being friendly with him.

I don't know why I was even a little afraid of him.  He's a coward.

He always has been.

Hmmm

The most recent ex has deleted Facebook and Myspace.

He must have found out I e-mailed the neighbor's wife about him.

But to delete the profiles...he must be assuming I'm telling others about him.

I just hope I'm not in any danger.

I'm hoping he's angry and done with me and won't try to get revenge or silence me somehow.

Denial

So, the longer I go without contact the better I am feeling again.

It's been a rough week, though.

But I have been shopping with friends and threw a Christmas party last night.

I was afraid no one would have fun at the party without my recent ex.  He liked to put on a show and be the center of attention.

But it was fun and I could relax and not constantly be on edge because of him or worry about him and watching him.

And at the end of the night he wasn't there to throw up or pee all over my floor or pass out drunk.

I realize now how much in denial I was.

I have looked at old chats and e-mails and the situation was sick.

On both our parts.  I basically sold myself to him as someone who would put aside all her own needs to meet his.

But no one can do that.  And it was a manipulation to try to find love.

I was in a low place after my divorce.  

I still feel angry and sick when I look back at all times he was obviously lying to me and cheating on me.  

When I think about the things he said to me that I just put up with.

And how he expects me to put aside my needs again and just be "a good friend" now.  

But reading these self help books has made me realize I am wired to be a victim.

And I am.  I am just waiting for the next bus to hit me.  I am the perfect candidate for a cult.

I have been in dangerous situations many times because of my inability to be assertive and my poor boundaries.

My defense mechanism is like the opossum.  I just roll over and play dead and hope the other person will take care of me.

Even when I was in Elementary School I had one girl I would call "master" and I would ride her on my shoulders all around the playground and do whatever she told me.

I also had a male friend I was close to growing up and we would play this game where I would call him, "Pop" and he would call me "Junior" and I basically followed him around and he acted as an advisor, a supervisor and a wise older person even though we were the same age.

But this is the first time in my life that I feel an absence of strength.  This last relationship really tore me down in multiple ways.

And I miss having someone to care for.  And it would be nice to have some love.  I certainly didn't have it through this whole relationship.  I crave tenderness and kindness.

After my divorce I didn't want to take care of someone again.  I thought I wanted someone manly and strong who would take care of me.

I thought I found that in my last relationship.  But it was a false image.  He was a dependent and a manipulator and an abuser.

Now I'm scared I'll just plug into another needy person that will use me.

Real people terrify me.  I feel I have nothing to offer them.  I feel they can never overlook my faults.

I am going to try to find a therapist in January.

Depressed

He tried to tell me her car was there because he was going to borrow it to drive himself to the airport.

His sister said his mother has planned to take him to the airport all along.

Even if she hadn't told me this I knew it was a lie.

And it depresses me because he has outright lied to me so many times now that I can't believe anything about our relationship was true.

I was being played the entire time when I submitted and trusted him to have my best interest in mind.

He only had his own interest in mind.

He e-mailed me before he went out of town and said his former best friend's wife confessed to romantically loving him last night.

I e-mailed her.  I know I should have stayed out of it but he's been setting her up for a long time and I hate to see her throw away her marriage for nothing.

Because he would let her.  He will milk that sweet ego supply until the person is used up and then throw them away without ever giving them anything for their efforts.

He called me when he got to his destination today.  I was shocked.  Our contact hasn't included phone contact.  He had also called me yesterday and left a voice mail on my work phone.

Amazing how the efforts are stepped up when he's been caught lying again.

I am depressed.  It is mostly PMS but it's also the drama he has brought back into my life.

What do I want from him?  There's nothing he can give me or do for me expect bring me unhappiness.

Pathetic

With both of my most recent serious relationships, I look back at these men and wonder how I could have been involved with that person.

It's because I compromise my boundaries.

I feel guilty making a judgement on someone.

I feel like if I reject them as a lover I'm rejecting them as a human being.

There are other reasons but those are how I got past their faults, their weakness.

What an embarrassment my most recent ex has turned out to be.  I can't believe I ever idealized him or our relationship.

Breaking no contact

I have felt so good lately.

Why not be friendly?

If I don't want him back he can't manipulate me right?

I chatted with him this morning and he told me how he's been sober 6 days.  How his eyes have been opened to his ex and he wants nothing to do with her.

He offered to fly with me to my brother's bootcamp graduation.

We were nice as pie.

I drove by his house tonight to put some of his mail in his box and his ex wife's jeep was in the driveway.  Bedroom lights the only lights on in the house.

Something is wrong with him.  Something is wrong with her.

I mean, I already knew that, right?

But the psychological trigger for me was bad.  I felt so angry and betrayed.  

But it's pathetic.  Really pathetic.  On both their parts.

But who else does he have? She's always there as backup when he drives everyone else away.

And they dwell in misery.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I have a professional job.

I own my own home.

I have friends and people who love me.

I don't lie and manipulate and play games as if people are toys.

I can't talk to him at all.  Something is really wrong with him.

Love Bomb

In reading some old letters from my ex husband I can see how an 18 year old girl was sucked in.

Give and ye shall receive.  All I had to do was give and give and give and I got his immense gratitude and unending love.  

I was an important person.  A person who took care of him when no one else would.  He would never leave me, right?

And I realize how many things I do are based on approval.  Be in a service profession because it's "good" and therefore receives approval.

Be a good person so you will be approved of.

Follow the rules so you will be approved of.

I realized today I am attracted to people who are not bound by the same limits I am.

I was very OCD in High School.  My CDs were in alphabetical order. Things had to be clean and neat. My best friend had dirty clothes in her car.  Rarely bathed.  Ruined her paint brushes by not washing them.

Both my ex husband and most recent ex weren't bound by the same anxieties that I am.  They violated boundaries and rules.

I have also realized I have defined my identity by the men I date.  I need men who are good at something, men who are special.  And that sets me up for these men selling me a false image.

I also define myself by dating men.  I am worth something if a man wants me.  I am worth something if I'm in a relationship.

I'm no longer sure if I'm in another relationship that I need or want it to be with a man anymore.

Validation

I had to get my winter coat from my ex this morning.

I found out he made a play for his best friend's wife this weekend and has consequently lost that friend.

He e-mailed me today and told me he has never felt so alone.

By 5pm he was asking if there was a chance for reconciliation between us.

I was almost insulted.

How much of a sucker does he really think I am?

He screws up his closest friendship and then thinks I will just take him back? After he could have cared less about my loneliness and pain the past month and a half?

It's obvious he needs ego supply.  He's got people in town now that know he cheated on me and now people who will know he made a play for his friend's wife.

I feel happy to be rid of him but at the same time I feel immense pity.

That pity I feel is so dangerous to me.  I don't like to think of him facing up to himself, of facing up to the consequences of his actions.

I strove for 3 years to protect him from that.

At the same time I feel validated.  He isn't the trustworthy, noble, honorable man he was constantly saying he was.

Cheating on me was not an exception in his personality.

The constant in his personality is that HE comes first.  No matter what the cost to himself and others.