Love Bomb

In reading some old letters from my ex husband I can see how an 18 year old girl was sucked in.

Give and ye shall receive.  All I had to do was give and give and give and I got his immense gratitude and unending love.  

I was an important person.  A person who took care of him when no one else would.  He would never leave me, right?

And I realize how many things I do are based on approval.  Be in a service profession because it's "good" and therefore receives approval.

Be a good person so you will be approved of.

Follow the rules so you will be approved of.

I realized today I am attracted to people who are not bound by the same limits I am.

I was very OCD in High School.  My CDs were in alphabetical order. Things had to be clean and neat. My best friend had dirty clothes in her car.  Rarely bathed.  Ruined her paint brushes by not washing them.

Both my ex husband and most recent ex weren't bound by the same anxieties that I am.  They violated boundaries and rules.

I have also realized I have defined my identity by the men I date.  I need men who are good at something, men who are special.  And that sets me up for these men selling me a false image.

I also define myself by dating men.  I am worth something if a man wants me.  I am worth something if I'm in a relationship.

I'm no longer sure if I'm in another relationship that I need or want it to be with a man anymore.