Reality

Reality

I tend to let other people define my reality. I have a lot of trouble trusting myself. I think this comes from my mother violating my boundaries and controlling me.

I remember feeling upset and she'd tell me I wasn’t upset or I didn’t know what being upset was or she’d give me something to be sad about if I kept it up etc.

I even remember thinking I smelled something good and my parents laughing at me and telling me it was a bad smell and so I felt scared to trust that I knew what smelled good.

My parents often teased and made fun of me. I was sensitive and I learned this was a bad thing. From childhood my goal has been to be “tough” and numb out things that hurt me and now all I want is to feel emotions again.

I would go to my mother for emotional comfort or help and she could never give it to me. As a child she was very physically affectionate but that stopped when I got older.

Even as an adult sometimes I feel that I need my mother but I knew my real mother cannot provide the emotional support I need.

I let both my exes warp my reality all the time. I would say something was wrong and they would say it wasn’t. And later I would find out they knew it was but were just trying to get me to go along with it.