Sexuality

Sexuality

I have always been very interested and curious about sex but had very tight boundaries with people outside my family that kept me from experimenting as a child.

My actual sexuality is something I have been ashamed of. My father dropped me when I hit puberty, my mother still ignored me . I was teased by my grandmother for wearing a bra and teased by my cousins when my period started. My period kept me from swimming and doing things I wanted like my younger siblings.

My mother never taught me to fix my hair or wear makeup or dress nicely etc. I looked terrible as a child and didn’t know what to do with myself as a teen.

I preferred male clothing. Baggy t-shirts and jeans. When I was married to my husband I would wear his clothes. The thought of wearing something that showed my figure made me anxious beyond belief.

When I was in third grade I was terrified I had boogers and walked around with my hand over my face. In 5^th grade I suddenly became afraid people were looking at my butt and I started wearing big shirts to cover it. I have had negative fixations on parts of my body at times that make me believe this may be chemical.

It was only after High School I started wearing dresses. It was not until I moved to Tuscaloosa I started experimenting with clothing and started wearing makeup.

I feel I have a better grasp of what looks good on me and what “works” at this point more than any other point in my life. But I still don’t know what to do with my hair or oily face.

I am still afraid of my sexuality. My most recent ex said I wasn’t sexy and didn’t flirt. When I see sexy girls now I feel bad about myself because I know that’s what he wanted.

I don’t think I have the confidence or self esteem to flirt. With my poor boundaries it may lead to something I don’t want. And I feel like I’m promising something I may not be able to live up to.

I don’t know how to dress sexy. I am too tall for heels.

I think I have a lot of negative associations with my sexuality and wanted it to disappear so my father would love me and my Uncle wouldn’t stare at my breasts or tell me he saw my panties through my skirt.

I was always afraid to look like I put any effort into my appearance for fear someone would say I was ugly or ridiculous after I had tried hard not to be.

I think this attitude went for other areas in my life I was afraid to put effort into as well.